My Readings...

The following is from Mary, Dad’s sister. She can’t be with us today as she lives in Tasmania, Australia but she and her oldest son David visited us in March to see Dad and to say their farewells. She sent me this email by way of a final farewell:

TO SANDY - MY FAVOURITE BROTHER

What lovely memories we have. Typical of siblings, we fought and we played.

Remember when you had to take me out with you? I was only little so you picked me up and put me behind some railings while you went off to play with your mates

What about the time you held me over the balcony? It was 3 stories up but it never occurred to us how dangerous it was.

How about when I lost my temper and threw a spoon at you? It clipped the back of your neck where you had a very ripe boil…..luckily I had locks on my bedroom door, so you couldn’t get to me….phew!

How about the time we went tobogganing? All we had was a tray! We were having fun when an American couple with a real sled joined us! Boy did we ‘move’ on that! When they had to go they gave us the sled OH BLISS!!

Then, on your 21^st birthday party, I brought along a friend I’d recently made. You two hit it off straight away. I saw very little of her for the rest of the party. Her name was Carol.

When I met Ron, I was a young widow. You wanted to check him out, to make sure he wasn’t going to take advantage of me. You liked him at once and you told me…..”He’s older than me”….

The two of you went for a drink, bringing back some prawns for us all. We were lucky to get the prawns as you had driven back from the pub with the prawns on the roof of the car!

Then there was that visit to the local in Whyteleafe. On the way out of the pub you jumped over the chain link fence and fell over. Ron wondered where you’d got to ‘til he saw your head appearing and you both had a good laugh. You found out the next day that you had broken your wrist…

The best memory of all, forever etched on my mind, is you and Ron fixing Carols glasses. You were holding them and Ron was trying to fix this tiny screw in place. Your faces were so close together - Ron looked at you and planted a kiss on your cheek. It was hilarious! I can’t repeat what you said….

You are gone my love but the memories linger on. I love you brother dear, rest in peace.

The following is a piece written by Zoe, Dad's great-neice:

Uncle Sandy

Uncle sandy, how we know thee;

Always happy, loving, carefree,

Really funny, for us in your family,

And everyone else you used to see,

Always cheerful, Never tearful;

that's how I'll remember thee.

And I'll miss you ; Love 'Zoë

XXxxXX

X

Pictures of Dad

More to come - I'll probably post a link to a Flickr set...

FUNERAL DETAILS

The details are:

12h15 Thursday 29th June at Eltham/Falconwood Crematorium.

Family flowers only please.

Donations to Cancer Research UK, MacMillan Nurses and the Eleanor Nurses. See links on right hand side. The Cancer Research one is a dedicated one for Dad.

More...

Just before Dad died one of his investments matured. The idea was for the money to go to the purchase of a new car. Mum has never bought a car all by herself so I went with her the other Monday to help her choose. This was the day I spent with Mum sorting out the paperwork after Dad's death.

Mum has since done her sums and come to the conclusion that she cannot afford a new car so it's going to be the second hand C3 we saw the first visit. Mum went back to the Citroen garage on Sunday (she's owned two Citroens and likes them so there is no other choice!) to have a test drive of it. She's checked to see if her bows fit it in it - she has a recurve bow and a long bow, about 6feet long) so she had to check if they fit. Talk about a dominant buying feature. If they hadn't fit she wouldn't have bought the car!

Anyway the car was perfect so she decided to buy it there and then. They even took the old Citroen Xantia POS (piece of spit - ahem) in part exchange. She's just texted me to say that the insurance is sorted and she should be picking it up on Saturday. Good for her. It's great to see her taking ownership of a few things.

Must sign off now - I'll update things as and when.

Threshers off licence

I went over to Mum and Dad's house (I'm trying to write Mum's House but it doesn't work at the moment) on Saturday and started the collation process ahead of the Probate Application. Going through Dad's filing system and paperwork was a very strange experience as this was an area which was his sole domain. Anyway, I think I've got 90% of it sorted and down on paper so I'll start the forms once the funeral is over.

=========

Talking of the Funeral, we've gone for an external caterer to feed the folks that turn up. I found her details at the funeral directors place. Lovely lady - she came round to see us when she realised we had reservations about letting a stranger into our house while we were out. Interestingly she came round with her partner/husband in the car because she didn't know who we were! Anyway, we have no reservations about her and we're leaving the key with the next door neighbour so she can come in and set up when we're at the service. So that's one problem sorted.

Anyway, I thought it would be nice to have some alcohol on hand for anyone wanting some on Thursday so I popped into my local Threshers store and spoke to the manager about getting some booze on sale-or-return.

I explained that I was running my fathers funeral from our house (not 200m away) and that I wanted to have enough beers and wine on hand to ensure that no-one went without. I didn't want to have loads hanging around the house afterwards (beleive it or not I hardly drink at home!) so I wanted to do it on a sale-or-return basis. Maybe a few cases of beer, a few bottles of wine and sherry and other stuff - not a lot but enough to cater for 40 people.

At this the "manager" got very sniffy - "well, the wine's on three-for-two at the moment so it won't be included but I suppose I could take a quarter of it back...". A quarter? I'm sorry - correct me if I'm wrong - but isn't sale or return supposed to be about buying the stuff you use or open and taking the rest back? I am very disappointed by this attitude and this lack of interest. I wanted to use a local store because I thought I would get a more personal service. So wrong. It just means I have another issue to sort out which could have been resolved with a little more imagination on the part of the store...

I am now going to get the beer and wine from Sainsbury's or Tesco's. I know they won't be too interested in a sale-or-return but I'd rather take advantage of the fact that their prices will be lower than Threshers. Stuff 'em. No more business to Threshers.

Well done Threshers at the Oval, Sidcup.

====

Uncle Jack and Uncle Les

I took a call from Mum this morning. Dad's Dad had two brothers, Jack and Les. Both these gents are still alive and are around 90 years old. Les is in hospital (I can't recall why) and won't be coming to the funeral but we've now heard that Jack most probably won't be coming either. He has been admitted to hospital himself with acute anemia (sp.?) and has been given six pints of blood. He's in the High Dependancy Unit which can't, itself, be a good sign. Good luck Great Uncle Jack and Great Uncle Les!

As an aside, in my family we have a special present for those people celebrating special birthdays. It started some years ago and the special present is a decorated loo seat. Jack is due to receive it as he was 90 a couple of months ago. Hopefully I can give it to Bryce (his son) on Thursday. We'll see if it is appropriate at the time.

Email from Sister

This was sent by my Sister the other night. I can't think of anything else to add except that I've taken names out as usual.

Paul

----- Original Message -----

From: SISTER
To: AUNT

Cc:

Sent: Sunday, June 18, 2006 11:32 AM

Subject: Hello my darlings..

Hello,

Well, what can I say...

I saw dad last, on Wednesday evening, when mum was helping him to eat his tea. Once finished, mum went to wash her hands. and I saw his right eye was sticky, and the left, watery, so gently wiped them, and told him as with every visit, that I loved him. He looked straight through me, but I knew it was the cataracts that made him stare like that. Anyway, we stayed until dad fell asleep. Then I drove mum to pick her car up, and followed her back home. I had been able, thanks to badger, to visit dad, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday of this week.

Mum informed me that the doctors had decided to take dad off all his normal medication, except for the morphine patches. That was a shocker in itself, as I realised then and there, that dad would have a matter of days left. Thankfully, I didn't let mum know how I felt, but she probably had thought the same when she was told earlier that day.

Well, I Finally got to sleep about 3-30 the next morning, I woke up crying for some reason, and thankfully before the boys woke up... Didn't think much of it at the time, washed my face and got the boys up, and started doing the normal daily school morning routine. As the day progressed, Tears fell, on and off till the time I had to collect the boys... Time flew faster than I realised. So by the time badger got home from work and We'd fed the boys and ourselves, it was too late to visit dad. So I went to mum instead. When I arrived, Mum was on the telephone to Paul. Once she finished talking to Paul, She told me that he was going to try and visit dad after the 8pm closure time of the ward. I told mum about my strange tearful day.

I'm glad the nurses let Paul visit dad..... as I think he'd been busy earlier in the week to visit. Plus I think dad was waiting to say bye bye to Paul. As it was later that same evening that Dad passed away. Mum phoned me and said it was time, Paul kindly collected both of us. We missed dad by minutes, we went to his side & said our fair-wells, Thank goodness dad is now at peace. later we left the hospital and went back to mum's for a cuppa and group cuddles etc. When I got home, Badger was awake and sat with me; anyway- by one-o'clock , We decided to gently wake the boys and tell them the news.. Bless them they took it really well.. I've kept them up-to-date, throughout dad's illness. After about half an hour or so, we took the boys back to bed and gave them long cuddles. We gave them the option of staying home or going to school later that morning, and that they could give us their answer when they woke up.

Well, Paul went to bed at approx 2-30, and I chilled for about hour and a half.

When the boys woke, they decided to go to school as normal. bless them; and Paul phoned his work and took the day off. I was fine all day, couldn't talk to people that telephoned, but I was ok, picked the boys up after school, then decided to phone mum to see if she was ok or if she needed anything...

Alas mum wasn't there to answer, First time in ages... Yes the answering machine came on... I'd forgotten about that.... and yes I heard dad's voice talking to me, for the first time in three to four weeks... F###, I wasn't expecting that... managed to leave mum a message to call back when she was about. put the phone down, and just crumbled.... that was it the tears flowed...

Anyway Saturday was fine went ok, no tears, and none so far today, so fingers crossed I don't start when Terry arrives in approx half hours time.

So that's it for now my loves... will let you know anything when or if it occurs.

Will close now, as I've been waffling for long enough.

Love you all

Take care of yourselves

Love <>

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Down to business

After a weekend in limbo and conversations with Australia (thanks, guys - you were great) I got down to business today. I knew it was going to be a tough day and although it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be it was still hard.

First thing, I drove over to collect Mum and take her to the hospital again. Driving in through the gates brought a lump to MY throat - goodness knows what was going through Mum's mind.

We parked up and walked through to the reception area where we were met by Dawn who took us through to the "Bereavement Office".

What this is is a windowless room with zero character and zero warmth. Essentially this a place where the paperwork starts. Here we got the Medical Death Certificate - which stated what Dad died of, the place and date of death and some doctors signatures. But it enables you to start the process off. We got some extra forms for the funeral directors (to let them collect the body) and for the registrar. All in all it was a pretty horrid experience but it could have been worse. Credit to Dawn for making it softer and easier to go through. Thanks Dawn.

From the Hospital we drove the short distance to Woolwich Town Hall. Dawn had made us an appointment for 11h30 (thanks - we would not have thought of it!) so we got there ages early. We parked in a squallid car park on top of Sainsbury's and walked round to the Town Hall. We had hoped that they would be able to fit us in earlier but it was not to be. "Sorry love, we're fully booked" - sounds like a hotel but never mind.

As we had around 90 minutes to kill I took mum to a Caffe Nero for a coffee. She's never been to a Starbucks or suchlike before so I thought it would be a novelty for her. Quick as a flash she saw the "hot chocolate with marshmallows and double cream" and there was no persuading her away from it! We made short shrift of our respective drinks (mine was an iced coffee concoction which tasted a bit like a vanilla shake) and wandered back towards the Town Hall.

Once we'd whiled away the time, we eventually went in. Repeat admin from hospital and hang around while the Registrar fills in the forms. If you need to do this bear in mind you need the dead persons passport (it was what we were asked for) and some basic information. The real thing needed is the Medical Death Certificate. More hanging around while the things print out (we wanted five proper copies of the Death Certificate) and get signed and we're on our way.

We call in at my house on the way through for a coffee and a rest and recuperate. It's hard work this. It's not so much physically hard work but mentally and emotionally it's knackering.

Off we go again - this time to Sidcup High Street to talk to the Funeral Directors. Mother and Father In Law have recommended W. Uden and Sons and after just a few minutes it's easy to see why they get recommendations. Personal, friendly, but sombre and serious service from a member of the Uden family, Jason. Young lad but very good.

We've set the funeral for the 29th June.

Dad has asked to be cremated and for his ashes to be scattered at the Royal Hospital School Holbrook's Garden of Rememberance - so that's what we're going to do. Dad went there when it was a children of navy personnel school and spent many years there from a young age. He joined the Navy straight out of the Navy School.

The Royal Hospital School is a Public (private, fee paying) school these days but friends of Dads are still in touch with the School so going there should not be an issue.

After that intense 45 minutes we went back to Mum's and she got changed and we went to the Citroen garage - Dad had made investments some years ago which paid out while he was in Hospital and were earmarked for a new car. Mum is keen on another Citroen - maybe a C2 or a second hand C3. Talk about sublime to ridiculous.

A strange day then. Not as bad as I had anticipated but still hard work. Texts from friends have helped and messages received will continue to do so as we move forward toward the Funeral and beyond

Sorry for such a long post but today was an important day. I wanted to get a lot down so I could remember it. If others read it then that's cool too.

RIP Sandy Parkinson.

[Mum sent me a text tonight. "Dad not so good today. His breathing is shallower today and although he did eat and drink everything I gave him, he was not so eager".

I decided to go up to the Hospital myself. When I got there he was breathing in short sharp breaths, asleep. He is a little chesty and had a liquidy edge to his breathing - perhaps]

Well. That was the post I was starting to write when the phone rang. I went to the hospital this evening and Dad was breathing very badly. When I got there the breathing was weak but clear.

I had a suspicion that it wasn't going to be long so I told him how much loved him, that he should go now and be at peace. He would be remembered fondly and with much love by me, my sister and mum and all his other relatives and friends. "Godspeed Dad", I remember saying.

About nine o'clock he started to breathe as if he had phlegm in his throat. I called a nurse over and she agreed that it wasn't a good sign. She took his heartbeat and blood/oxygen and although the heartbeat was okay speed-wise it wasn't terribly strong and the blood/oxygen level was very poor.

It turns out that this is the so-called death rattle.

I got home from the hospital at about 9:45 or so after a drive to clear my head. I had a bite to eat and made a coffee - the remnants are in front of me as I type. The phone went about 10:15 and it was the hospital saying that he was getting much worse and could I bring mum in with me? I called her, explained the situation and went there. We picked up sister on the way and we were about 3 minutes from the hospital when my mobile went off.

It's a very strange feeling knowing what a caller is going to tell you even before you pick up the phone - let alone answer it. "I'm sorry Mr. Parkinson but your father has just passed away". Very gently, very sweetly, you hear the bad news. Your father has passed away. Your father has passed away.

As I've blogged before, those that pass quickly leave behind people who have had no chance to accept a loved one is dead but the passing is better for them. Those that pass slowly make it easier on those left behind to come to terms with their leaving but it is usally more difficult for them.

Dad has been asleep for most of today and he was almost certainly asleep when he died. He looked very very peaceful when we saw him. He was still warm and it was almost like he was asleep still. The only difference was the lack of snoring. The lack of everything really.

Now we have to move on. Tomorrow I will go to the hospital and collect his stuff. On Monday Mum and I are going to the Bereavement Office to collect his Death Certificate and then we have to go to the Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths to notify the Authorities. The Registrar of Hatches, Matches and Dispatches is the lighter name for it.

Talking of funny - and it is funny whichever way you look at it - is the fact that dad was visited by and treated by the hospital chirpodist today. It's taken them 8 weeks to get their stuff together but at least he'll be walking up to the Pearly Gates with the Best Looking Feet in Heaven!

Godspeed Dad - God Bless You - we will always love you....

Paul.

...tears...

Slowly fading away...

I just realised the last detailed post was some time ago. Apologies for that everyone.
I thought I'd post the best picture I have of Dad.

In the past week we've had some evidence that Dad is weakening with some increased speed. Earlier this week he had a nasal-gastric tube put up his nose and down into his stomach. Essentially it was to alleviate gas that is building up in his stomach and has been causing some discomfort. We don't know why this gas is building up but the tube gave some relief. He has also been breathing somewhat shallowly and quickly and on Thursday he was put on nasal oxygen to assist his breathing. I guess if you have a cancer growing in the stomach and a load of hydrochloric acid there then some form of reaction will occur.

He has also had a lot of liquid retention, especially in his arms. According to the medical team the best way of reducing this is raise the effected limbs above the heart to allow the liquid to drain back into the rest of the body. However the contortions Dad needs to get into means compression of his chest area and this causes his breathing to be more laboured. They're trying to help - and they're doing a terriffic job - but I can't see how much more they can do.

He's basically immobile now. He can't move himself to any great degree and I think the cataracts that were diagnosed some time ago are coming to fruition. His eyes looked cloudy to me. Either way, when I saw him yesterday, he only vaguely saw me. I'm not sure he recognised me. A small mercy I suppose.

He eats reasonably well but now it's pureed food and Mum stays each evening to give him his Dinner - unless he's asleep of course.

He is slipping away from us I think. I don't know when but I hope it's quick and that he doesn't know about it. On the evidence of the past few days and weeks I think that's a fair guess of what will happen. We just don't know when the "old dos" will pass.

=====

Mum continues to "bear up" with some resiliance. I think she is still treating this as a Patient / Nurse relationship. Occasionally, and only occasionally, I hear her voice crack when she talk about Dad. I hope she has come to terms with Dad's situation by herself. Whenever I ask she says she's "fine"... I can't help but think this is going to hit very hard.

Sister is having trouble sleeping and has lost weight. She talks to Mum regularly - SMS and voice - but her working hours (home and work!) means she has trouble seeing Dad as often as she would like. I think this affects her too.

Me? I think I've come to terms with Dad's situation. It's very hard to self analyse but I think that the time between diagnosis and now has been long enough to ensure that I have let myself into it gently. We'll see when the time comes - who knows, I may turn into a gibbering heap.

It is a blessing for us that we've had time to get used to the fact that Dad is dying.

Someone once said to me that if someone dies suddenly and quickly it is better for them. It is worse for those left behind as they have that person ripped from them. If a person dies slowly it is better for those left behind as they have a chance to come to terms with their passing but worse for the person as they have to come to terms with their passing too...

True.